


Relearning to Feel

by whiteraven1606



Series: The Ranch [3]
Category: Bourne (Movies), Bourne Legacy (2012), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Developing Relationship, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-02
Updated: 2013-04-02
Packaged: 2017-12-07 05:54:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/745051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiteraven1606/pseuds/whiteraven1606
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirill works his way through dealing with alpacas, feelings, and a little bit of playing matchmaker to Tony Stark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Relearning to Feel

****

Kirill stood and stared at the house he now lived in. It was odd how Jason had simply accepted him without comment. No fuss about having tried to kill Jason, having killed his woman when they had switched places without him seeing it.

Kirill spread food for the greedy animals to eat as he tried to work out why he'd let himself end up here.

Marta appeared on the porch and waved at him with a smile.

Kirill waved back and patted one of the adults that liked to push her head into his hip. "I fed you."

The alpaca pushed at him again. Kirill sighed and scratched at the base of one of her ears. She made a noise and lolled her head over into his chest. Kirill frowned at the funny feeling deep inside that he'd been feeling more and more now.

Aaron came from the barn with one of the sacks of fiber from the animals. "You alright?"

Kirill backed out of the pen, pushing the big girl to stay with her herd. "Okay."

Aaron hummed and thrust one side of the sack at him. "Here, help me carry this in. Marta wants to try her hand at washing and...batting I think it's called."

Kirill took the offered handle and helped haul it in.

Jason met them at the door and held it open as they came in. "Marta wants to make yarn."

Aaron nodded. "She thinks she'll be able to sell it at that Farmer's Market on the weekends."

Kirill looked up at that. "Spinning, yes?"

Marta tried to take the sack handle from Kirill. "Yes, spinning. First we wash the fiber to get all the dirt and bits out."

Kirill nudged her back with his foot and Aaron helped tip the bag up to dump into Marta's big wash tub. "I relearn spinning."

Jason stuck his head back into the room from the kitchen. "You know how to use a spinning wheel?"

Kirill helped gently swirl the water as Marta added a few drops of soap. "I learn as small boy." He looked up at Jason staring at him. "I was not always killer."

Jason nodded. "Sure."

Aaron pushed Jason out of the room. "We'll figure out dinner."

Marta gave him a weak smile. "He's just not sure how to deal with people."

Kirill nodded. He knew Jason's headaches made it so he could not think beyond his own nose. "Is alright."

Marta frowned, but didn't say anything as they pulled the fiber out of the wash to rinse.

****

Aaron kept pushing Jason until they were at the far end of the kitchen. "You said you were alright with him being here."

Jason nodded. "I am."

Aaron touched Jason's hair with his fingertips. "You don't act like it. He's having enough trouble adjusting, Jason."

Jason shrugged. "He...He nearly killed me a couple of times. It isn't that simple to shut it off. Not for me."

Nodding, Aaron turned to pull chicken from the freezer. "You still have trouble with triggers, I know."

Jason sighed. "Lights don't set me off as quickly now."

Aaron nodded as he sat a cast iron pan on the stove. "He never had a reason to think past his orders until after you left him bleeding."

"I know that." Jason handed him the ghee. "I'm trying, Aaron. I don't mean to make him tense."

"Yeah." Aaron pulled down the spices he wanted for the chicken. "I don't think it is just you. He's been staring at nothing more and more."

Jason pulled carrots from the root drawer and brushed off as much of the dirt back into the drawer as he could. He put the carrots in the sink and ran a trickle of water to rinse them off. "Adjusting or falling apart type staring?"

Aaron snorted. "I think he'd be lots more quiet if he were falling apart. I'm pretty sure he's trying to deal with new feelings. I've caught him rubbing his chest and looking bewildered."

Jason looked up from peeling the carrots. "You're the least crippled of us on feelings."

Aaron grunted as he dumped spices into the ghee as it heated. "Just because I'm stubborn. I kept them tamped down so they'd not put me through more training."

"I still have flashbacks." Jason frowned down at the carrot peels. "It...bothers me the people I killed."

"It always will." Aaron sighed. "Jason, you don't remember the whys. You barely remember joining." He added chicken to the pan. "I remember that. I even remember why I decided to do it. You aren't that person now. Even if you could remember why you decided to join. You are different now."

Jason nodded. "Same with Kirill."

Aaron spread the chicken across the pan evenly. "That too."

Jason brought the carrots over to Aaron. "I have...trouble with everything." He leaned against the counter next to the stove. "I can't...touch. I can't just _be_."

Aaron put the carrots in and settled a lid over the pan. He turned and tugged Jason in against him. "You're learning, Jason. You allow touching, yeah? It'll get better."

Jason huffed against Aaron's shoulder. "Better."

****

Marta watched Aaron let Jason pull away from the doorway connecting the wash room and the kitchen. She turned and motioned Kirill to come with her.

He fussed with the drying rack for another few moments before heading into the kitchen ahead of her. He didn't even half turn to keep her in his eyesight.

Marta smiled at Aaron as he put dinner on the dinning room table. She might not have convinced any of them out of earth tones on their clothes, but they all allowed her to have bright colors in their dishes and the table settings.

She rubbed her toes up the side of Jason's calf and smiled softly at him when he looked up startled.

Kirill kept his head down and shoveled his food as though it would be taken from him at any moment.

Marta looked at Aaron and nodded at Kirill. Aaron shrugged and piled more on Kirill's plate, reaching over the man's arm to get the serving spoon in.

Kirill jerked back and blinked at Aaron. "What?"

Aaron put more food on Kirill's plate. "Just making sure you have enough."

Kirill looked down at his plate. "Is too much."

Jason shook his head. "You eat until you are full. No less. Alright?"

Kirill nodded and went back to eating with fast neat bites.

****

Marta settled next to Jason on the couch as Aaron and Kirill went out to do the last check on the herd before the evening satellite pass chased them inside. "Headache?"

Jason rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Yeah. No worse than usual."

Marta rubbed at the back of Jason's neck. "Consciously relax your muscles for me."

He took several measured breathes and the tension under Marta's fingers settled some.

"Better." Marta eased closer as he dropped his head back against the couch.

"Tired."

"Yes, you are." She rubbed circles on his neck and smiled when he sighed and sank a little further into the couch.

Kirill and Aaron came back in and Marta was proud that Jason only tensed a little as they entered the room.

Aaron dropped to sit on the floor between Marta's feet as Kirill took the armchair.

Marta threaded her fingers of her free hand into Aaron's hair. She watched Kirill studying them from under her eyelashes.

****

Kirill pressed his socked feet together as he tried to relax so that Jason would be able to relax more. The three were getting closer. Marta was helping the two men bridge the chasm that stood between Jason and being comfortable.

Kirill still wasn't sure why he felt content with this new life. Even with the annoying animals he was...happy. Kirill cocked his head at the little table in front of the couch and thought about it for a few minutes before carefully setting his feet on the edge of the table.

He glanced at the others, but they didn't seem to care. Aaron was humming under his breath, his head tipped back so Marta could card her fingers through his hair. Jason was leaning towards Marta, his eyes heavy as he kept his hands on his thighs.

Marta smiled prettily at him. "Better."

Kirill grinned back. " _Da_."

****

Kirill kept waiting for them to wake him with noises from sex, but they still didn't seem to be doing anything. Nightmare sounds, yes, those woke him, but nothing beyond that. He sat up as a strangled sound of a gasp filtered through the wall. 

"Jason."

Marta's voice was quiet, firm.

Kirill listened to her squeak as Jason came awake violently and then stopped right after. She made shushing noises as he cried. Aaron's soft footsteps went across the floor to their bathroom, the water ran, and then footfalls back across.

"Here."

Kirill rubbed his fingers on the edge of his blanket and wondered if he should offer to help. If it would make it worse or better for them. Kirill didn't remember his nightmares. He sometimes found himself waking to Aaron at his feet, patting a sole of his foot with an out stretched wooden spoon.

Aaron never spoke, simply made sure Kirill was awake before retreating from Kirill's room.

Kirill reached down and rubbed his foot where it itched in memory. He stretched back out and listened to them ease Jason back to sleep and let it lull him as well.

****

Kirill hung back as the Aaron look-alike with the bow, Clint Barton, came to visit. Kirill went out and let the black and tan female butt him in the hip until he scratched behind her ears.

The others had come with Barton. Some holiday or birthday, something Kirill had never really dealt with before. They were filling the house with their noise and he didn't know what to do with that. Not that it was bad or wrong, just...Kirill sat down on the bench just inside the barn door with the false bottom and several blocks of C-4 in the hidden compartment.

The brash rich one, Stark, wondered in and patted alpacas, checked hoofs, scratched heads, and knew all their names that Marta called them by.

Kirill stayed still expecting Stark to miss him, but Stark simply headed right for him, and sat down next to him.

"Hey, you aren't cold, right? Not around here, yeah? It doesn't get near as cold as you used to deal with, huh?"

Kirill frowned and leaned back. "Is warm here."

Stark nodded. "Yeah." He went quiet for a minute before turning more towards Kirill. "You like it here?"

With a blink, Kirill cocked his head. "Yes."

Stark's eyebrows went up. "You sure? You don't have to lie to make me happy or something. I get that we..." He waved at the house. "...can be a little, okay, a lot, crazy. I just..." Stark sighed. "You seem more unsettled than when you were at my Tower."

Kirill stretched his legs out and crossed his feet at the ankles. "I am...feeling..." He stopped and huffed. He didn't have a word for it. He rubbed at his chest and looked at Stark. "It is not bad."

Stark nodded. "Warmth? General happy with a side of don't ever want it to end?"

Kirill jerked slightly and nodded. "Yes. How..."

Stark smiled. "Awesome." He shrugged. "You look a lot like Bruce was looking the first few weeks into staying with me."

Kirill blinked. "You like Banner."

Stark ducked his head rubbed at the back of his neck. "He's...occupied."

Kirill patted Starks' arm. "Is called...trio? No, no, threesome. Yes?"

Stark laughed and nodded. "Yeah." He shook his head as his smile fell away. "I can't just push into that. I fucked up the last relationship I tried and I don't want to hurt him. Or Betty."

Kirill patted Stark's knee and stood up. "I ask for you." He headed out as behind him Stark squawked and scrambled to follow.

****

Bruce kept close to Betty as they all lunged around the living room. Marta was deep in girl talk of some sort with Jane, Thor listening intently.

Aaron and Clint were having throwing popcorn at Coulson and Natasha to see who could get kernels in the weirdest places.

Steve was next to Bruce and giving encouragement to whichever person seemed to need it the most. Jason was tucked in a corner, watching them all with wide eyes.

Bruce looked up as Kirill came back in. He seemed happier, more sure of himself then he had when he'd slipped out and Tony had followed a few minutes later. Tony came in, flushed, and shaking his head.

Kirill dropped down to sit at Betty's feet. He touched Bruce's closer knee. "Happy, yes?"

Steve leaned forward a little to see Kirill as Bruce nodded.

Kirill grinned. "With Betty, is right?"

Betty smiled at him and touched Kirill's shoulder. "Yes, that's right, Kirill."

Kirill nodded and turned towards the game in progress across the room. Bruce kept his eyes on Kirill, but watched Tony in his peripheral vision relax suddenly. Bruce frowned slightly as Kirill's hand wrapped around Bruce's ankle.

It took Bruce a moment to realize that Kirill was using Morse code on his skin.

_...ark is lonely. Hurting now. He wants trio with Bet and you._

Bruce nudged Kirill with his toe. Kirill leaned back against his and Betty's leg. The Morse code started back up.

_All of you should be happy. Hero, yes._

Bruce blinked. He touched Kirill's shoulder and double tapped with one of his fingers. There was no more codes the rest of their visit.

****

Kirill followed the Black Widow down the passage in the Hellicarrier. He didn't like it here. It was too much. People trained and running about. Hurrying here and there in ways that made Kirill tense. They came to the tiny office of the Agent.

He ushered them in and sent the Black Widow back out. Agent shut his door and turned towards Kirill.

"Coffee?"

Kirill blinked and sat down in the chair near the desk. "Yes."

Agent put a cup in front of Kirill and sat down at his desk. "Stark is worried you aren't happy where you are now."

Kirill raised his eyebrows as he sipped the coffee. It was good, black and just a touch of cream. "I like the Ranch."

Agent nodded and clasped his hands in front of himself. "You are certain?"

It worried Kirill when Agent worried. "Should I not be?"

"That's not what I'm saying." Agent leaned back and smoothed his tie down. "We could arrange part time work for you if you liked."

Kirill's chest tightened suddenly. "No. I like not killing."

Agent looked him over. "It doesn't have to be killing."

Kirill shook his head. "No. I like animals."

"Alright." Agent swiveled his chair to the right. "This is for you."

Kirill stared at the little book for several moments before taking it and opening it up. It was blank, lined, but nothing on the lines. "What?"

"It's a journal. You can write in it." Agent tapped the spine with his finger. "Not for anyone to look at. Just for you."

Kirill blinked and pulled the journal closer to himself. "Only mine?"

"Yes." Agent pushed a pen across the desk. "You'll want to hide it when the Avengers visit."

"Barton is curious."

"Yes, and we still haven't gotten Thor used to the concept of privacy amongst his teammates."

Kirill snorted. Thor was happy everywhere and loud enough for baby rookies to find in a forest. "I thank you."

Agent shook his head. "No need to thank me."

****

Kirill tucked himself up high in the edge of the loft and watched Marta pet the babies. He thumbed through his journal. Looking over the lists and tactics he wrote down first. Then the webs of lines as he worked out what he was feeling, what it meant. After that, in snatches, came him. Thoughts about the female alpaca that liked him, Babel, Marta called her. Then thoughts on his trio to protect. The brokeness of them all.

Kirill pulled the pen from the spine of the book and wrote out what worried him. The flashes of anger, the way everything became not real sometimes. The standing at Marta's back in the Farmer's Market and nearly attacking someone because he'd reached too fast for his change.

Kirill tucked the pen away as Aaron climbed the stairs to the loft. Jason wouldn't come up, his knee was not happy with flights of stairs. Aaron settled near him and looked out over their little world.

"Marta said you were weird at the market."

Kirill huffed and tucked his journal into his jacket. "I almost hurt customer. They... _grab_ at her, but not."

Aaron nodded. "For a moment you thought they were going to attack her?"

" _Da_."

"You didn't though."

Kirill shook his head. "I went still."

"Good." Aaron smiled at him. "Thank you for protecting her."

He blinked. "Yes?"

"Yes." Aaron eased forward until his legs dangled over the edge. "Do you want to sleep with us?"

Kirill watched Marta leave the babies and check the water trough. "You are trio. Three together."

"Yeah, we are. Jason's still working up to more intimate things. We talked about you while you were visiting Coulson."

Kirill nodded. "Agent asked if I was happy."

Aaron followed Kirill's line of sight. "And are you?"

" _Da_. I like..." He waved his hand at it all. "...this."

"Just like it is or would you like to...share? I know we wake you up when Jason or I have a nightmare. I don't like the idea of you being lonely."

Kirill frowned and shrugged. "Lonely is not bad."

Aaron touched Kirill's boot. "The next time we wake you, come in if you want. We'll sleep. Nothing more, yeah?"

Kirill nodded and waited for Aaron to go so he could pull his pen out and try to work out his world in his journal.

****

Kirill didn't go the next time or the time after. He listened as Aaron shouted them all awake. Kirill put down his pen and closed his journal. He was going to need a new one soon. He slipped out of his bed and ghosted to their door. He watched as Jason hauled Aaron off the floor as Marta watched from the edge of their bed.

Aaron was shaking. 

Kirill stepped in and stilled again as Jason looked up sharply. "Help, yes?"

Jason nodded. "Yes, help would be good."

Kirill reached in and gently batted Aaron's panicky hits. They got him on his feet and Kirill stepped close to let Aaron sag against him as he came clear awake.

Jason motioned Marta over. "I don't want him next to you right now."

She nodded and moved. Kirill frowned until he realized Jason meant Aaron and not him.

Jason slipped into the bed and held his arms out for Kirill to lower Aaron down. Aaron stared at the ceiling and Kirill stood at the edge of the bed, wanting to go, wanting to stay. Needing something he couldn't put a name to.

Jason touched his hand. "Kirill, come to bed."

Kirill blinked and it felt like he started to breathe again, even though he'd not stopped. He formed himself to Aaron's side and stared at the profile of Aaron's face in the moonlight. Jason wrapped his arm across Aaron's chest, fingers just touching Kirill's arm.

Kirill thought he'd not be able go back to sleep, but he blinked awake to dawn light falling across them all.

****


End file.
